you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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