Even the bartender felt bad for me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
