If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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