Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
