Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
