I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
