he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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