dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
