He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
