Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
