I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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