Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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