Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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