This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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