Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize