ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
