I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
