he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
