You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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