you would pick up someone in the library
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
