Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
