Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
