Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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