I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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