I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
