Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
