She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
