This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
