Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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