Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
