I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
