I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
