who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
