thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
