I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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