Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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