I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
