i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
