is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
