The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
