i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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