it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He felt like a one man threesome
I just found puke in my bra..
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
