Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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