if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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