U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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