capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
