the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
