maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
