Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I skipped work to stalk him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
