I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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