How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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