I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
