could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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