Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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