You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
