He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
