I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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