i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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